N. seems to have arrived in Edmonton. He called me collect this morning and the collect caller notification was from Telus. He wouldn’t give me an address because he said he thought I would send the police. He said a friend had provided some money for the bus but had ditched him in Edmonton before they could a place or get jobs. He wanted me to send money through the MoneyMart stores because he needed food and a place to stay. He said the shelters were full and he was on the street. He said it was a loan until he got a job. He said his life and future were in Edmonton.
I said I had not agreed to this trip or this plan. I said he had other resources, just like when he was on the street in Winnipeg. I said I was simply not supporting his choices. I said I thought the money was going to pay for drugs again. We ended the call with threats of violence and harsh words from him.
How am I doing with this? Not too badly. If n. can live like this, I can live with the knowledge of his situation. This is the fourth or fifth replay of the same story since last August. N. runs away from a safe situation, then says he is in trouble and he needs money for survival. Sometimes the story has been an outright scam to get cash for drugs. Sometimes he has had a more direct and genuine need, caused by his own bad choices. Still, giving him cash just prolongs his time on the street and gives him time and resources to keeping finding drugs.
I had a hard time saying no in the past, because Jan always criticized me for not trusting n. She believed I did not love him. It was part of her pattern of blaming me for n.’s addiction and her distress. I was always afraid of losing Jan if I followed my own judgment instead of her impulses. That’s all changed now.
I love n., but today he is an addict and a thief. I don’t trust him. I cannot change him or help him by giving him money.